Wednesday, January 12, 2011

We interrupt the current training flashback in order to discuss...

...SPIN CLASS

Can someone please tell me *what* mother-loving, lactate-burning, Marquis de Sade bitch athlete (ahem, sorry, I don't know what came over me) devised this crazy idea.  What--biking on a path isn't enough for you??

I have a friend who is a hard-core athlete. In her spare time she likes to teach fitness classes at a gym.  She asked me to go to her spin class the other night.  I said "sure", never having gone to a spin class, but thinking it would be a good workout.  Like I said, she is hard-core and very competitive.  I should have known that she would teach a class that would not be for sissies.

It started out easy enough: just sit on the bike and pedal.  Excellent.  Then the music started and suddenly it was all:

Hmm, well ok, I guess I can do that.

Then after about ten seconds I heard it again:


Well hold on now, I thought I just did...say, is there a delayed echo in here?


  But, we just...


  Um, excuse me? Do what now?? 

At this point we were about 2.16 minutes (I'm guesstimating) into an hour-long class, and my legs had turned to Jell-O.


I was alternating between turning beet-red


and nauseated-green.


I felt like I was sweating yet I'm pretty sure the flames shooting out of my skin took care of any pesky *moisture* issues.



And then I heard:



Um, no thanks.  I was afraid of what would come out of my mouth if I opened it at that moment.  It would be either:

OPTION A:
A string of obscenities that would make me sound possessed.




OR

OPTION B:
My lunch.  



Or possibly both (there's a visual for ya).  So I kept my mouth closed and focused on breathing and staying upright on the seat.

Now, for the more astute readers, you may be saying to yourself:  "But Julie (that's my real name, for those of you who don't know me in the real world), you were in a spin class, ergo, you were on a stationary bike,




ergo, staying upright on the seat, a.k.a. *balancing*, should be a non-issue."

Well, you would be wrong.  Or you just wouldn't know me very well.  

You see, at well-choreographed points during the class, the teachers (did I mention there were two of them?) would ask us to sit back, take our hands off the handlebars, and...



Now, is it just me, or does everyone's badonk slink forward the second they sit upright on a bike, like yay? 




So I was sliding down and hunching over like a turtle so I didn't lose saddle contact, and I was expected to put my arms behind my head.




Riiiight.


I did manage to survive the class *and* not slide off.  And, when the teacher asked the class to praise ourselves for something we did well, I was able to come up with two things:

Number One:  Not vomiting!


Yay!!

and, Numero Dos:  Not Passing Out!


Cue applause.

Oh, and the studio was at the top of the stairs.  Since my leg muscles were beyond muscle confusion (let's call it muscle *stupor*), I saw that "walking down the stairs" was not really an option.

Athletic stance to the rescue!!  With a bit of a slant.




P.S. I have mad respect for these spinners.

So, do any of you normal people out there go to spin class?



We will return to our regularly scheduled post next week when we discuss HOW TO DESTROY ALL YOUR HARD WORK IN UNDER AN HOUR

35 comments:

  1. weeeellll....I don't claim to be normal, but I do love a good spin class. The instructor I like most is INSANE, but motivating at the same time. I was the same way as you the first few times. I promise it gets easier. Is your tushy sore today? Love the pics, I was definitely laughing. Kind of made my day :)

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  2. Wow, it's good no one was home when I read this, I was laughing out loud. Your "Bro" has been thinking about taking one of those classes but I think he may reconsider now :) Glad you survived. When are you going again ;)

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  3. Wow, thanks Meg! And yes, my tush IS sore today!! The crazy thing is, I am considering doing another class. My legs still feel like Jell-O though.

    Anony: is that you sis?

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  4. Oh, and Anony? Tell bro that if he can balance on the edge of his tailbone whilst doing the YMCA with his arms, he might be ready :) I'm not sure I can give any tips beyond that...

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  5. I followed you here from BlogHer and your post is freaking hysterical! I'm currently in the midst of training for a mini-marathon, so I thought I'd follow your blog. :)

    I'm not brave enough for spin class. You definitely have my respect.

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  6. Ahh! I just noticed that none of the comments i've tried to post on your blog have gone through. I'm not too sure why :S
    ANyway.
    I've never tried spin class, but I think you've convinced me to be okay with that choice.

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  7. Daisy: How frustrating! I checked my spam and moderation folders but there's nothing there. Glad it seems to be sorted out now :D

    Kentucky Teacher: So glad you found me and that you enjoyed my little story. I aim to please :) I'm not sure you'll get any good tips from me on here but I do run so I'm happy to trade strategy ideas! What's your run distance? (I'll probably find this out when I go over to your site, which I am doing right now)

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  8. Oh, Julie, all I have to say is: hahahahahahah. And also that we might be soulmates because I'm pretty sure a spin class would kick my ASS. I might even cry. But I'm super impressed that you not only attended but completed the hour-long class! That's quite an achievement (at least in my book!). :)

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  9. Thanks Andrea! It was TOUGH! Today is the first day I have feeling in my legs (class was on Monday...)

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  10. Oh my goodness, I can not get enough of your cute drawings!!! :) Thanks for being a follower. I hope not to bore you!

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  11. Thanks so much Jenna! And no, you're not boring to me :D

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  12. You had me giggling like an idiot here, I've NEVER been to spinclass... it sounds completely unappealing! A friend of mine is a fanatic and she got me to put on these... bikepants? they have padded seats... like mega-sized-pantyliners sown into the pants. I made it out of the room after I changed then ran back put my normal clothes on and said 'nuhuh! I'm NOT going!' and just waited out her class. LOL

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  13. Ah yes, the diaper shorts. I have to tell you that I wore them all last year when I went on bike rides (leisurely bike rides) and sometimes the back of the padding would get caught on the front of the seat as I was trying to hop on! They're a pain!!
    Thanks so much for stopping by Andrea :D

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  14. You are too funny. I have to give you A LOT of credit for your persistance. i am somewhat athletic, would like to do a mini triathalon but have a major lack of discipline. Kuddos to you!

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  15. Thanks Creative Flair :) I think I kept going because I was in the front of the class and was too embarrassed to get up and leave!

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  16. found your blog via mingle monday and i have to say...it is definitely the most entertaining blog i've read yet! i died laughing at your pictures and HAD to show my fiance. we both agreed that your blog is awesome. anyway, i'm following you now! hope you'll follow me back!

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  17. I'd like to talk to you about syndicating this post on BlogHer.com, but I can't find your email address. Can you drop me a line at rita@blogher.com? Thanks!

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  18. Julie - John posted this on ICI PRO and you have made my day. I will sharing your post with others.

    Be sure to remind the world of indoor cycling instructors to keep it real, as I am one.

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  19. Hi Dane, Glad you came over to say hi! I guess you guys are all holding me to going to another class :D

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  20. Yes, Trigirl we are holding you to another class and commentary. Be sure to trainDANEgerously!!!

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  21. I run. I used to watch the spin classes at my gym and think, HOLY &^%$ there is NO WAY I could do that! Kudos to you for hanging in there!

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  22. That was sooooooo funny! I can't tell you how that made me laugh. I'm a spin instructor...but not THAT kind b/c I've taken from that kind and I've felt that same ready-to-barf feeling. In the beginning I often checked the wall for chest paddles just in case. You really are quite hilarious and I hope to follow more of your stuff!

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  23. Dane, I will go soon...promise :)

    No. 7: Thanks! I run too (another new sport for me). You know runners can be a little crazy too :P

    Anonymous: Thanks! I'm glad that you did not take offense. The instructor really is a friend of mine and she knows that I posted this with nothing but love in my heart...mostly :D

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  24. Julie, you are sooooo funny! I loved your art, and your humor!
    I have not read any of the other comments, but, not every Spin class is geared to make the new rider feel "less-than" capable! When done correctly, you come out of a Spin class feeling empowered, energized, upbeat and you'll want to go back. Why? Because it's non-impact, you burn apx 500-700 calories in one hour(depending on your effort level), you'll tone and shape your lower body-like its nobody's business!, the energy of music and the cool people around you carry you thru and push you to challenge yourself "to do the best you can do on that day".
    I teach, I love it, and my rides are about the "success" of my riders not their failure. If my new rider feels as bad as you did I'd jump off the first cliff!! It's my job to teach someone like you how to ride, and how to get results, and to how to fall in love with Spinning! Try it again,this time, may I suggest at a different facility, or even a different class? It may surprise you (hopefully in a good way!).
    Spinning ROCKS! Don't give up quite yet :)
    Shirin

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  25. OMG.... that was hilarious. I have taught literally thousands of indoor cycle classes (yea, I know... but I have triplets and that was the only way I could get a break.) You brought me back to my first class I took years ago and I was working so hard and I thought I was going to die... or pass out... or throw-up. Dying seemed the most humane option at the time, as I recall. And then you get off the bike and get even more light headed only then proceed to try and walk with spaghetti legs. Now I am not quite sure why I ever tried it a second time .. must have had a pretty good endorphine buzz. I look forward to reading more of your posts.

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  26. Shirin--thanks for your nice comments and for all the suggestions! My site is really more about highlighting my ineptitude, not that this was a bad thing...i was really just trying to say it kicked my butt ;)

    Shannan--Thanks! Yup, sounds like your first experience was similar to mine :)

    I strive to be as fit as you spin instructors one day!!

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  27. Funny story and great artwork - This is a good opportunity to say that SPIN®, Spinner®, Spinning®, and the Spinning® logo are all registered trademarks owned by Mad Dogg Athletics, Inc (MDA). A Spinner® is actually a specific line of indoor bikes manufactured by Star Trac and the term SPIN® actually refers to the Spinning® Professionals Instructor Network, a program offered by MDA. A Spinning® instructor is one who has been certified by MDA. By the looks of the artwork, the bike used in this class was not a Spinner® and the instructor who cued "no hands" is probably not a certified Spinning® instructor with MDA. Still, indoor cycling rules, this post rules and so do all of you!! See you on a Spinner one day soon!

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  28. Hi Anonymous. Glad you enjoyed the post! Thanks for the info. As you can tell, I'm no expert :)

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  29. Spin instructor here and try-athlete (haha!)... Loved your post! I do cherish my friendships enough NOT to ask my friends to go to my classes... I'm sure they'd feel the very same way you did! You have my admiration!

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  30. Thanks anonymous spin instructor! You have MY admiration for being an instructor!

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  31. hahaha! what a funny post! I used to go to spin class three to four times a week until I found even crazier machine - the act trainer. :) These days I go to spin classes if I don't enough energy for the arc thing. My husband adores spin classes and sometimes he spins twice a day, I have to show him this post. LOL

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  32. lmfao that was hilarious!

    I've only seen those spin classes on T.V. or in movies and they look BRUTAL!! I don't think I could do it.

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  33. Mira: Thanks! Hope the hubby likes it too :) I googled that arc trainer...you must have a) good core strength, and b) good coordination!

    Jenny: Thank you! I've gone a few more times since this post. Still really hard!

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  34. I love spinning. And your depiction of it made me love it more. I just found your blog today and I love it. You are talented, lady!!!! xoxo

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  35. Angel: I just went yesterday for the first time in months. I'm in better shape then when I wrote this post, but honestly, it was still tough! So glad my post made you love it more :D

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